Letter to the Nets...

Dear Rod Thorn,

The NBA trade deadline is on February 21st, which leaves you just 9 days to make a deal. I know you normally don’t answer phone calls from Danny Ferry, but I urge you to take his next call. It might just change the future of the Nets franchise and the World as we know it.

Let’s face it, your Nets are a rebuilding team. With a record of 22-29, you’re barely in the playoff hunt and nobody thinks you have a chance to advance past the first round. Your stars are getting old, the chemistry is a mess, and this team is going nowhere.

But Danny Ferry could change all of that.

If you watched the Cavs-Magic game last night, you witnessed the future of the Nets franchise. The futures name is Larry Hughes. Larry is a 40-point-scorer. He’s a slasher. He even has tattoos - very cool tattoos of tough things that give him street-cred. And 3 years ago, when he played for the Wizards, Larry had a lot of steals. THOUSANDS OF STEALS. More steals than any player every recorded in the history of the NBA. You like steals, don’t you Rod?

It’s time to admit that Jason Kidd is a bad shooter. How bad? He’s only shooting 37% from the field this season. Yes, 37%! And if the season ended today, Jason Kidd would have the lowest shooting percentage of any player in the history of the NBA. That’s a fact - look it up.

And what do you pay this guy who is the worst shooter in the history of the NBA? $20 million a year? Are you crazy? It must be hard to show your face in public. But Danny Ferry could change all of that. Because if you ask nicely, Danny might give you the young and talented Larry Hughes for the crappy old guy you call Jason Kidd. And because Larry is so affordable, you get him PLUS another player!

Think I’m crazy? Fine. But before you click away, check out the head-to-head statistics for Larry versus Jason Kidd:

AGE
Jason Kidd: 34
Larry Hughes: 29
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES
At 34 years old, Kidd is older than Robert Parish when he was 33 and got traded. And we all know that Robert Parish sucked.

TATTOOS
Jason Kidd: unknown
Larry Hughes: More than 15, including ones with skulls and bad-ass religious passages.
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES

WEIGHT
Jason Kidd: 210
Larry Hughes: 184
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES
This is basketball, not Sumo wrestling! And all of that extra weight means more jet fuel for the team’s charter. Larry is not only skinnier, he’ll save you gas money. Think about the total cost of ownership!

POLICE RECORD
Jason Kidd: Yes. See mug shot on Google.
Larry Hughes: unknown.
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES

NICKNAME
Jason Kidd: Mr. Triple Double
Larry Hughes: Smooth
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES
WTF is a triple double? I have no clue, but that nickname is way too long. Smooth is easier to pronounce and it will cost less to get it as a tattoo.

STEALS
Jason Kidd: Occasionally
Larry Hughes: 3 years ago in Washington, Larry broke the all time steal record for planet Earth by averaging 12 steals a game. That’s right, 12. You don’t need to look it up - just ask any Cavs fan about Larry Hughes’ defense. And he broke the record while playing one-handed. And halfway through the season, he stopped trying to get steals because it was just too easy. This record will never be broken. Ever.
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALS
Jason Kidd: 1
Larry Hughes: unknown
Advantage: Not Applicable.
Rod, are you the GM of the Team USA or the New Jersey Nets? That’s what I thought. Kidd needs to stop re-living the past and realize that gold medals don’t mean a damn!

POINTS SCORED ON FEBRUARY 11, 2008
Jason Kidd: Zero, zilch, none. That just shows you how far Jason Kidd has fallen. He scored zero points last night!
Larry Hughes: 40
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES

HEROIC COMEBACKS FROM INJURY THIS SEASON
Jason Kidd: Zero
Larry Hughes: 2+. Larry has overcome a bone bruise, a stubbed toe, and many other minor injuries. These comebacks build character. And when Larry gets injured in the playoffs, you can bet your ass he will make a heroic comeback after he is healed!
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES

HEIGHT
Jason Kidd: 6-4
Larry Hughes: 6-5
Advantage: LARRY HUGHES
Have you ever heard the expression “you can’t teach height?” Well you can’t! And Jason Kidd will never learn to be 6-5!

FINAL SCORE
Jason Kidd: 0
Larry Hughes: 9
Winner: LARRY HUGHES

Rod, it’s simple. Jason Kidd sucks. Larry Hughes is awesome. Are you going to save the franchise, or are you going to sit back and watch Larry Hughes lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to 10 consecutive championships?

Sincerely,

Believeland's resident writer.